TWO MOMS, TWO LAPS, TWO HOURS
I thought I'd take a shot at a similar story, from the Son's point of view. I also carried the absurdity just a little too far. If you've read any of my work, undoubtedly you know I require a lot more setup, background, character development and so on. I can't help myself.
I don't have the talent to make the story as short as I'd like, but I'm working on that.
I hope you enjoy it. - TTT
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"Harold, this is crazy! We're never going to fit all that in the car."
My cousin Colin had never really known his real father, and had never been close with either of his two step-fathers, neither of which were in the picture any more. Aunt Marie welcomed any opportunity for him to hang out with other men. Besides, I think she kinda liked the old man. You can't blame her, he's pretty good as Dad's go, if a little ultra-conservative on occasion.
If you've never gone wild pig hunting, there's no way I could do it justice in a few paragraphs, never mind an entire novel. It's beyond description. We had the time of our lives. We killed wild beasts, dragged their massive carcasses across fields, skinned and cleaned them, and all in all felt pretty damn good about ourselves. Nothing like killing critters, especially big mean ones that could tear you open in seconds, to get a man's testosterone and adrenaline pumping. I swear, after one particular episode I could practically feel my voice deepening, my chest hair growing, and my dick swinging free, half-way to my knee.
Ladies with issues? Understood. It's a man thing. Come sit on my lap, and I'll explain everything. Heh. (It's an inside joke, never mind.)
The sun was hanging low in the sky by the time we made it back to the cabin, which put a damper on our excitement. We were late getting back, and knew it would be a lot later before we got out of there, with at least a 2 hour drive ahead of us before we got home.
Colin ran over, still completely stoked over his first hunting trip, but before we were 10 seconds into our story we were cut off.
Mom was holding her nose, and pointing to the lake. "Go! In the lake, clothes and all. Now!"
Dad laughed. "This young MAN shot a 200 lb boar with 5 inch tusks that could tear you wide open faster than you could say 'Woo pig sooie!'" He put his big old meaty hand on the back of Colin's neck and gave him a squeeze. I saw Colin wince. I knew that squeeze well. I'd suffer it happily. It was the closest thing to affection we men are allowed to share.
To hear Colin tell it, we'd killed Hogzilla, and needed a backhoe to drag it back for cleanin'. Dad shed some reality on the stories, but our Moms were happy we'd had a good day, and were clearly pleased with Colin's contagious excitement in particular.
Aunt Marie is hot. Her ex-es must have been some stupid sumbitches.
There. I said it. And don't judge me until you've seen her.
They were both wearing bikinis which they had selected to best emphasize their most noteworthy features. They were obviously sisters, with much the same build, and nearly identical features. Aunt Marie had been considerably more blessed when the boob fairy made her appearance, but Mom had the whole package, including the most perfect ass in the free world. Don't believe me? Ask Dad. He pointed it out in the first place.
Aunt Marie's bikini top was barely able to contain her enormous bounty, and for a woman closer to 40 than 30, they stood up firm and proud, defying age and gravity.
Bodacious. That was Dad's word for them. Funny the things guys talk about as they get older. Especially while huntin' with all the testosterone pumpin'. Who ever thought my Dad would brag about Mom's bodacious ass? To me?
Mom got up and took her cover-up off, but before she could jump in, I stopped her. "Mom! Wait!"
"What?" she asked peevishly.
"I, uh - I'm naked in here."
Colin chimed in, "Me too, Aunt Alice."
Mom rolled her eyes and glared at the old man.
Dad laughed. "Hey! Don't blame me. I'm not the one going commando. Looks like you and your sister's bad habits are rubbing off."
After a bit they joined us, and we splashed around playfully. Dad was the first to retreat from the cold lake water, and he made his way to the house to get dressed and start the winterizing and car loading.
Mom and Aunt Marie were always competitive, mostly in a good-natured way. Parties, outfits, dinners, hair-dressers, bargain hunting, everything between them seemed to be some kind of competition. To hear the family tell it, they had always competed over everything since they were kids.
Like I said, competitive. Especially where her younger sister was involved. So I kinda cheated. Just a little.
Mom was laughing, waving the bikini top around in the air, while Aunt Marie finally straightened up and covered herself with her hands. "Alice! You rotten little cheat!"
I was walking toward them, for a better look, when Mom threw the top back to her from a few feet away. "You know you love it, Em," Mom laughed. "It's not like you've ever missed an opportunity to show 'em off. Can't say I might not do the same if I had puppies like those."
"Show 'em off? In front of your son? That's pretty outrageous even for you," Aunt Marie answered, tucking her breasts back into her tiny top. "All talk and no action, I'm thinkin'." Even inside her bikini her big nipples poked out deliciously, screaming for more personal attention.
"Jeremy can't see nothin'," Mom teased, "just like poor Colin didn't get to see your big ol' titties bouncin' around." She was wiggling around, and I saw Colin's wide-eyed reaction. "There, now we're even. Both boys got an eyeful. Feelin' better?"
"Jesus, Alice! Put that back on before Harold sees you. That's all I need to hear about on the ride back. You get wild, and I get the blame."
Caught. Damn it.
After the excitement, we all headed back to shore and dried off best we could, before we'd start helping Dad load up the vehicle.
I still had visions of Aunt Marie's amazing boobage on my brain. It was like sunspots; I just couldn't shake it. Of course it didn't help when she snuck up on me, and put me in a head lock, while I was drying off. Getting my face smashed into her breast was too strong a reminder of what I'd just seen.
I love my Aunt Marie. As far as sister's go, she's definitely the fun one. She's doted on me and spoiled me for as long as I remember. She'd always tussled with me, and it still drew Dad's ire that we'd never outgrown it. She had a way of talking to me, when I was younger, that made me feel older, more mature. When things got hairy, I'd sometimes call her and talk it out with her. She was a great listener.
But in the last few years, especially since she split up with husband number three and spent so much time around us, I couldn't help but notice her as a woman. Give me a break, she was ridiculously sexy. You'd feel the same in my shoes. Trust me on this one.
Don't get me wrong. Mom was a great mom, and I loved my family like nobody's business. But every boy should have an Aunt Marie in his life.
The head lock was too much. I scooped her up in my arms, and motor-boated her cleavage. She laughed hysterically.
Unfortunately, Mom, who was only about 5 feet away, unbeknownst to me, didn't see it the same way.
"Jeremy! Stop that!" She spoke sharply, through clenched teeth.
The sound of her voice froze me in place, then I set my Aunt carefully down. You could see the tears in her eyes from laughing so hard.
"She started it," I argued weakly.
"And you think that's the appropriate way to end it? With your aunt?"
Aunt Marie tried to come to my rescue. "It's a boob day, Sissy. No big deal. You said so yourself."
Mom was caught. "Alright. I get it. Playin' around. But think, Jeremy. What if your father walked up when you were doing that? What then?"
"He'd have to wait his turn," I quipped. Sometimes my mouth moved faster than my brain.
Mom stared at me, her mouth opening and closing like a fish out of water. She finally just glared at Aunt Marie shaking her finger at her. "You! You're a bad influence." Then she stomped away.
Aunt Marie almost choked holding back her laughter. "I can't believe you sometimes, Jeremy. You're so like your father at your age, it scares me."
"Like Dad?"
"He was just as impetuous, mouthy and confident as you. Jesus, he was something." She had a far off look in her eye. "Your Mom won that one, I'll give her that much."
I put my arm around my diminutive aunt's narrow waist, and tugged her along. "We better get going, no telling what Mom would think we're up to, if we linger longer."
"No telling what we'd get up to either," she teased, goosing me.
"Aunt Marie!" I said, jumping.
"Just keeping you on your toes," she laughed, running away from me so I couldn't exact my revenge. Rotten thing.
* * *
The Jeep Wrangler Rubicon is a decent-sized vehicle. But in this case, not even close to big enough.
"It'll never all fit," Mom continued to argue.
"It'll fit. It's like a puzzle, we just have to find the right combination," Dad argued.
But Mom was right. Five adults and a pile of gear nearly 6 feet high was too much for the old Jeep.
Aunt Marie was the first to suggest collapsing the seat behind the driver. "It'll be a tight squeeze, but maybe we can get the rest in. You'll have to sit three up front and two in back. Someone's going to have to ride on the console."
"Damn it!" Dad growled, re-adjusting some of the gear in the rear. "Nobody's going to be able to sit on the console for over 2 hours."
Mom had a different solution. One I never would have expected to hear from her. "I can sit on Jeremy's lap," she suggested. "If he gets too tired we can take a break, and Colin and Marie can take the front seat."
We were still walking around half-dressed, although I had a t-shirt on with my boxers, and the sisters both had cover-ups, which mostly covered up. Still, looking over at Mom dressed in her bikini, and thinking about her sitting on my lap for 2 hours was a little disturbing. Had to keep my thoughts calm. The boxers wouldn't do a very good job of camouflaging my excitement if things got any worse down there.
Dad grunted, and we tried out Aunt Marie's solution. We soon realized that even with the seat behind the driver collapsed, we still had a lot of gear outside. He was struggling to squeeze the largest suitcase sideways between the front seats, resting on the console, while leaving enough room to access the gear shifter. Even that was a poor fit, pushing the soft top upward to the point where it looked like it might tear.
It was obvious to everyone but my obstinate father, we still weren't going to make it. "Fuck it!" Dad growled. "Let's just leave some of this crap behind, and we'll get it in a couple of weeks."
Now I knew he was getting frustrated. He rarely swore.
Aunt Marie struggled to be the voice of reason. "C'mon Harold, I think we're almost there. If we lay down the other seat in back, instead, I think it'll fit."
I tried to be helpful. "The night's warm. We could ride with the top down. Stack things a little higher. And the suitcase will fit then."
Dad looked tired. It had been a long day. We'd been up since 4:00 a.m. "That seat behind mine is barely wide enough to fit one person, never mind two."
Aunt Marie wasn't giving up. "I guess the boys will just have to suffer through two hours of having their Moms sit on their laps. It'll save you wasting a full day coming back here in a couple of weeks, not to mention a $100 worth of gas." She turned to me and Colin. "Y'all reckon your legs can survive two old ladies sitting on 'em for a couple of hours?"
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